1. We’re Actually a Giant Small Town.
It is extremely difficult to not run into at least one person you know anywhere you go. Anonymity doesn’t exist, so refrain from the drunken debauchery on Monday afternoons… but if you must, do it here!
2. You Will Be Asked Where You Went to High School at Least Once Per Day.
This question is meant to eliminate that awkward period of trying to figure out your two degrees of separation and just get all that out of the way… and to make sure you aren’t THE John Smith that dogged their cousins’s friend’s sister’s friend.
3. Our Weather is Unpredictable.
Living in the Ohio River Valley means that you can experience any kind of weather any time of day, any time of year – sometimes you may experience all four seasons in one day. Dress accordingly. Don’t know how? Neither do we.
4. U of L or UK? Choose Wisely.
You’re going to be expected to declare an allegiance. Important questions to ask yourself:
1. How do I really feel about couch-burning?
2. Can I really get behind a team whose mascot is a bird with teeth?
5. It’s Pronounced “Lou-uh-vulle.”
You’re saying it wrong.
6. Our Bars Are Open Until 4AM.
Yeah, we party pretty hard. One of our favorites:
7. We Invented the Cheeseburger. We’re like the Thomas Edison of Sandwiches.
In 1934 a Louisville restaurant called Kaelin’s was the first ever to include “cheeseburger” on their menu. I don’t care that some guy in California was “supposedly” the first to put cheese on a slab of beef. We invented it. These guys are keeping the tradition alive:
In the event of the sudden onset of winter, immediately:
1. Drive [poorly] to the nearest Kroger
2. Stockpile milk, eggs and bread
4. Profit? (Really, I don’t know. Is everyone making French Toast?)
9. We Give Directions Based On Landmarks That Don’t Exist Anymore.
Don’t know where the old Bigg’s was? Maybe you should’ve discovered the joy of Louisville decades ago like the rest of us.
10. We REALLY love the Kentucky Derby Festival.
Think the Derby is just a race? Think again. The festival entails much more than just a two-minute horse race. It’s a fortnight of festivities, featuring a parade, marathon, chow wagon, hot air balloon race, fireworks show (North America’s largest, nbd), and all kinds of things to jam up traffic for two glorious weeks of bourbon, gambling and horses.
11. Only Tourists Go to Fourth Street Live!
…and people who really enjoy paying for overpriced drinks, wearing Affliction t-shirts and reliving their college fraternity days. You know who you are. Instead, head to NuLu and check out this place:
12. We Have An Annual Zombie Walk – Eat Your Hearts Out, Every Other City.
It isn’t even around Halloween. Is that weird? Every year in late August, the town makes their way to Bardstown Road, where traffic is blocked off so the public is free to stagger up and down in white paint and costume blood to their hearts’ content.
13. We’re the Bohemians of the South.
Louisville has a rich art, music, theater, culinary, comedy, what-have-you scene – the ways to engage in them are endless, but that’s what Impulcity is here for. You’ll get used to the scent of patchouli soon enough.
14. We Migrate South to Florida Every Summer.
If we’re not in Louisville, we’re in Destin or Panama City. Louisville is basically transplanted to another location for a few months. Refer to items #1 and #2.
15. Muhammad Ali Really is That Awesome.
Louisville loves their own like no other and Muhammad Ali is the rule, not the exception. We take pride in The Greatest, I mean, we even gave him a museum.
16. Southern Indiana Makes No Sense to Us.
At least they have some cool restaurants, especially Huber’s!
17. We Look Down On Non-Bourbon Drinkers.
Oh, you’d like a gin? That’s cute. This is Kentucky, honey, home to heaven-trapped-in-a-bottle. We like our drinks straight-up and no, Jack Daniels doesn’t count. Ever been to Down One Bourbon Bar?
18. Waterfront Wednesdays are a City-Wide Reason to Celebrate.
Every last Wednesday of the (warm) months, there’s a free concert by the Big Four Bridge down by the riverside. The acts that play Waterfront Wednesday are diverse, so you’ll eventually find something you dig. It’s free – what else do you have to do on a Wednesday night?
19. We Host the Region’s Most-Loved Music Festival, Forecastle Festival.
As it turns out, it’s kind of a big deal. People come from all around to come enjoy the music and get up to get down. Sorry folks, this one’s not free.
20. We Love Making L’s With Our Hands.
It’s a Louisville thing, deal with it. Oh yeah, we love you, J-Law! (She’s from here, you know).