A Chubby Guy’s Guide To Chicago


Extra Hefty Meals

Because, you know, sometimes a “regular” size isn’t going to cut it.

1. For Carb Load-Up – Zia’s Trattoria

No one looks graceful eating noodles, especially if there are enough noodles in front of you to feed two small countries. It’s okay, though. While others are looking at their plates wondering how they’ll ever finish that mound of food in front of them, you can just eat it all and blame it on your friends not being hungry enough.


Hey, a portion size is a portion size, right? If that doesn’t work, you can always blame it on carb-loading for that upcoming workout regiment that you won’t follow through on. We recommend the Lingiuni Alla Pescatore. Packed with shrimp, scallops, calamari, and clams it’s going to fill you up like you’ve never dreamed before. Just don’t slurp up the noodles. No one can get away with that.

2. For An Epic-Sized Breakfast – Yolk

Sure, you could just sit at home and make as much food as your heart desires, but that would mean waking up even earlier than you already have to, which you definitely don’t want to do. Plus Yolk offers a whole hell of a lot of food for a very reasonable price.


If you’re looking for the largest meal possible, you have to go with the YOLK 2X2X2X2 COMBO. You literally get a little bit of everything that the place has to offer, all for under $10. Don’t be afraid to order another side of bacon, though. We know what you want.

3. To Pig Out With BBQ – Smoke Daddy

Alright, ya carnivorous animals. We know sometimes you just want to tear into some meat with your teeth and bare hands, and just one slab isn’t going to cut it. That’s why you need to order the delicious Smoke Daddy Rib Sampler. Piled high with pound after pound of ribs, this is every meatatarian’s dream.


Not only that but they serve these loaded root beers there that literally don’t taste like there’s any alcohol in them at all. You’re sure to be feeling some kinda something after horking down all those ribs and drinks. It’ll be a good feeling, though.

4. To Get A Footlong Grilled Cheese – Westwood Tavern

Sweet mother… and just when you thought something couldn’t get any more ridiculous. The Footlong Short Rib Grilled Cheese is so, so beautiful. It’s not like it needs much explanation. It’s a whole lot of rib, a whole lot of cheese, and a whole lot of melty goodness.


Is it okay to call food gorgeous? No, not socially acceptable? Okay. Well, we don’t care. We’ll be coming back for this gorgeous piece of goodness soon. Very, very soon.

5. For The Craziest Food Challenge In Chicago – Nonna’s Pizza

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it hasn’t been featured on Man Vs. Food or anything like that, but have you seen the size of those behemoths that they call a “slice of pizza?” A slice of pizza me arse! One slice alone is like two feet long! It would be one thing to have to only eat one, but you have to eat two whole slices of this stuff, and you only have thirty minutes to do it.

Some have managed to do it in under five minutes, but you’ll quickly find out that you’ll have to eat more than you had bargained for. If you win, you get a free t-shirt to acknowledge your triumphs. If you lose, well, you’ll look like a loser. Good luck!


Where To Work On That Beer Belly

No, not to exercise. This is where you’ll get the best deals on cheap beer and where you’ll find an excess of craft beers. You’re welcome.

1. The Garage Bar & Sandwiches

Every Wednesday night, something spectacular happens at Garage Bar & Sandwiches. A beauteous special happens at this bar, packed with over ninety different kinds of beer. With this special, you get as many $2 beers you can handle until the keg runs dry.


Sure, you may be at the mercy of whatever keg they choose, but who cares? With prices that low we’ll drink any moose piss and ashes beer they throw at us. The only thing is that the beer will actually be great, because they always have quality beers on tap. Beer: Is there anything better?

2. The Rocking Horse

Nothing goes quite so well with beer as poutine or truffled fries. Well, if you’re looking to go straight into a food/beer coma right after you leave, that is. Yeah, after this one you’re going to want to call an Uber, regardless of whether you only have one beer or twelve.


Those moments before you fall asleep though; they’ll be heavenly. While they have plenty of beers in stock and on tap, we recommend going with Rouge’s VooDoo Bomber. It literally combines the tastes of raspberry, pretzels, and chocolate all in one beer. Now that’s impressive.

3. Jake Melnick’s Corner Tap

Sometimes you don’t want all the fancy high-faluten beers that most places offer. Sometimes a big ol’ glass of Budweiser is what you need, right alongside some wings that are so hot they’ll burn the hair off your ass.


The Firecracker Wings at the Corner Tap may end up being a little more than you bargained for, but cold beer and spicy wings are a combination that was meant to be. Sure, your digestive system may not be able to forgive you for the next few days, but it’s always going to be worth it. Always.

Where To Find Clothes That Fit Properly

Believe it or not, it’s hard finding clothes when you’re a bigger person. Especially ones that don’t make it look like you’re wearing a sheet.

1. Martin’s Big & Tall

The story of Martin’s Big & Tall store is one that you have to respect in itself. For over five decades, Martin’s has been providing the Chicago area with clothes that fit those who are a little larger than life. Back in the day, a man came into Martin’s looking for clothes, and claimed that big guys could never find clothes that fit correctly, which caused Martin to take action. These days, because of their ambition to cater towards their customers, Martin’s is now the most reputable store in the entire area when it comes to large-sized clothing. If you’re sick of being shot down on sizes at other places, come into Martin’s. They’ll find a fit that’s perfect for you. There’s really no comparison to their size and selection.

At the end of the day, there’s no need to judge people on their lifestyle choices. This is just a list from one chubby guy to the rest of the people out there who want to enjoy food, drinks, and clothing that fits properly. Feel free to comment your favorite places for large portions below!