1. The Sports Fan
This guy… Sure, we know your teams are going to win the Super Bowl, National Championship and World Series every year… Somehow, halfway through the season, he loses faith and starts talking smack about how “let down” he is… Are you coaching? Are you playing? Didn’t think so… Just don’t catch him on a rant about bad refs — because according to him, Cincinnati always has bad refs. Frequently found at the wonderful Rhinehaus.
Check out Rhinehaus on Impulcity:
Always rocking Brooks Brothers, Vineyard Vines and boat shoes. Refers to peers as bro and is often seen with Gin & Tonic in hand. Frequently found at Next Chapter.
Check out Next Chapter on Impulcity:
3. Chili Lover
Every time you walk into Skyline, he’s there. Hitting on all of the waitresses and chowing down his fourth coney about to make his way to the pile of cheese fries he’s got waiting. Since he’s a Skyline regular, he acts like it’s his spot. Give him his check please.
4. The Hipster
Oh, I’m sorry, has OTR gotten too “mainstream” for you? You used to love Japps, always raving about it, but now too many “normal” people invade the dance floor on the weekends. Enjoy your Madtree pal. Frequently found at Northside Tavern.
Check out Northside Tavern on Impulcity:
5. Mr. Complain-About-Cincinnati
When the Polar Vortex rolls through, you’ll catch them complaining that it’s the most miserable city in the country. But tomorrow when it’s 86 degrees and sunny, he will complain about that too because now he has to cut the grass.
6. Hyde Park Mom
She really knows how to use that Amex and we don’t blame her. Have you seen that new Fendi bag? Jealous. How she juggles 4 kids and looks that good, we’ll never know. Find her sipping delicious win at Unwind.
Check out Unwind’s Happy Hour on Impulcity:
7. The UC Grad
They constantly complain about how much they wish they had Keystone when they were in school and get mad when people talk about how dangerous it is to walk around in Clifton. They’re just jealous that they didn’t have Prez Ono to snap an Instagram-worthy photos with and continually reminisce about how awesome Woody’s bar actually was. Often spotted at Brass Tap.
Check out Brass Tap on Impulcity:
8. The Xavier Student
Routinely hanging out at Dana’s with a Herschel, or Gordo’s ordering the peanut butter and jelly burger and reppin’ their navy & white. The highlight of their year is beating the Bearcats in the Crosstown Classic and bragging about it for weeks.
Check out Gordos on Impulcity:
9. Saturday Morning Runners
They constantly remind you that they’re running in the Flying Pig — 4 months away. They join Bob Ronker’s running team and trek through O’bryonville every Saturday morning. You’re the ones that make us all look bad on our way to a hungover brunch. And then you pack into restaurants in groups of 40 to “carb-o-load” for their race three days away. Ok, we get it. You really don’t need to brag about your run-flex-spin-yoga-pilaties-zumba-barre class. Often found here:
10. The Suburbian
We see you rolling through OTR in your SUV, complaining about the two hour wait at The Eagle. Embrace it, the wait is well worth it. You’d better buy the Street Vibes! “You don’t have Corona on tap? I’ll have a Bud Light.”
11. The Veganista
Chowing down on cheese-less mac and cheese and meatless goetta — a Cincinnati sin — and will bring a foreign vegan dish to your potluck just to brag about how they made it taste like meat. They even brought their growler of kombucha for all to try. The fizzy concoction will “aid in digestion and help with your allergies and cure cancer and help find the missing Malaysian plane.” Can I have a beer please? Spotted in the wild at Park & Vine.
Check out Park & Vine on Impulcity:
12. The Townies
You know these people, still sporting their high school hoodies, rolling with the same clique they did freshman year. Good luck joining their group since they can’t talk about anything but “the old days.” Easily find these people at Neon’s.
Check out Neon’s on Impulcity:
13. Bar Regulars
You’d think they were band groupies, sitting at the bar taking up two seats and chatting with fellow regulars. Then there’s the loner, moving over a stool when he’s feeling adventurous, but when the bartender suggests a new drink, you would have thought they spilled his bourbon and charged him double. You’ll run into this guy at The Lackman.
Check out The Lackman on Impulcity:
*While some may see this as a fun satirical list — that surely pokes fun at every team member of Impulcity — some may misunderstand and see it as mean. It’s not. We had fun writing it and love all the types of people on this list and all the places.
P.S. If you want to bitch at someone, feel free to Tweet @hunterhammonds, I’ll kindly reply with sarcasm. – Editors Note