I. THOU SHALT NOT BE A STEELERS FAN
Yeah, we strongly encourage removing yourself from our city if you support those losers from up the river. Oh, and take those goofy terrible towels with you.
II. THOU SHALT NOT REFER TO CINCINNATI CHILI AS A “TOPPING”
Does it have meat in it? Yes. Do you put it over noodles and mix it up? Yes. Is it delicious? Yes. Okay, it’s chili.
III. THOU SHALT NOT BE A FAIRWEATHER REDS FAN
We’re always watching. We remember who was supporting the Yankees during the rough days. We know who you are.
IV. THOU SHALT NOT CALL GOETTA “GROSS”
You don’t like goetta? We don’t like you.
V. THOU SHALT NOT MOCK OTR
Ever heard of OTR? Yeah Over-The-Rhine used to be rough at one time, but don’t knock it unless you’ve been there within the last year. It’s time to get up to speed.
VI. THOU SHALT NOT LOSE FAITH IN TALL STACKS
It’s gonna come back! Next year… right?
VII. THOU SHALT NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE STREETCAR
We get it. Maybe you didn’t want the streetcar to happen, but it’s going to now. It’s about time you get over it and enjoy the ride when it comes around.
VIII. THOU SHALT NOT FORGET THE NUMBER 4192
Pete Rose is the man around here, and might as well be the God of baseball. (Even if the HOF has him locked out of Heaven…)
IX. THOU SHALT NOT PASS UP THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH ONO
If you run into UC’s beloved prez on the street, you had better take the time to ask for a selfie. He’s always down to take one.
X. THOU SHALT NOT SPEAK OF THE LAST SEASON
Well, until we win a Superbowl/World Series. Disappointment only leads to doubt!
XI. THOU SHALT NOT PEE IN SUNLITE POOL
Seriously, so many people swim around in there. Don’t be that asshole.
XII. THOU SHALT NOT “HATE BEER”
So, you don’t like traditional beers? That’s cool. We have everything from Peanut Butter to Raspberry Beers made locally. You won’t hate beer if you look hard enough.
XIII. THOU SHALT NOT FORGET TO USE THINE TURN SIGNAL
Just because everyone else in Ohio does it, doesn’t mean that we should forget that common courtesy… we’re the best city in the state, after all.
XIV. THOU SHALT NOT CALL IT THE “NASTY ‘NATI”
We’ve been working our asses off to clean this place up, and we’re doing a solid job. Just check out what they’re doing in Walnut Hills lately.
XV. THOU SHALT NOT FORGET TO WATCH FOR POTHOLES
This one isn’t so much a commandment as it is a warning. Look out, or you’ll need new shocks in about a week.