1. The Well Is Dry!
Seriously, why is the closest, quality liquor store in Kentucky? We’re sick of settling for gas station vodka. It tastes like lighter fluid. Good thing Party Source has us covered.
Oh, you wanted to get to class without being drenched with sweat on the first day? Good luck. Just be glad you don’t have an apartment on Straight Street.
3. Too Much Toppers…
You can only spend so many nights dining on the same food. Except for the Baconstix… we’ll always love our Baconstix. Good thing Drunken Bento can help.
4. Stay Away From Eden Ave.
If you want to keep your wallet, phone, and life… don’t venture over to Corryville after midnight. Just don’t.
5. Let’s Go To Christy’s! Oh, Wait…
What monster is responsible for the demolition of our beautiful biergarten? We miss you! Thank God Mecklenburg isn’t too far away…
6. Loud Noises!
Ah, nothing really puts us to sleep quite like freshmen screaming “turn down for what,” the drunk girl puking all over the sides of our shitty houses, and the police sirens every five minutes. Anyone down for a game of “gunshot or firework?”
7. So, Why Are There Giant Vaginas On McMicken?
One week each year, we wander over to McMicken Commons to the scene of a row of giant, close up images of them… all types of them. Must you? We just ate. Maybe we’ll just eat over at Keystone instead.
8. Afternoon Traffic
So, you have to be at work at 4, but class ends at 3:30? Road rage, we meet again.
9. The Shuttles
Are we grateful to have free weekend shuttles around town? Yes. Do we like the fact that they sometimes smell like vomit and body odor? Not so much. It’ll be worth it once we get to the pavilion, though.
10. The Hike To Murph’s
Oh, Murphy’s… with your free hot dogs and great drink specials. Why must you be so far away from McMicken?
11. No Good Bars On Ludlow
We can look beyond the hordes of hipsters and a plethora of vegan shops, but why don’t you give us at least a few good bars that stay open past midnight? We want to be closer to Skyline when we drink!
12. The Wind Tunnel
Better make sure to dry your hair before walking down Main St. on a windy, wintry day. Unless you want your hair frozen to your ears, that is.
13. A Nice Apartment Costs More Than Tuition
Yeah, we all came to college wanting to live in one of the nicer apartments. That was until we realized we’d have to sell a kidney to live there. Guess we’ll have to settle for cockroach-central on Old Stratford. Hey, at least we got some solid bars out of the renovations…
14. Freshman Herds
You’ll see plenty of them running around Clifton on weekend nights looking for a place to drink their fill of backpack beers. Don’t let ’em into a party, or expect a stampede of drunken freshmen to follow. We’ll just escape into Mac’s.
15. No Mas Papa Dino’s
There’s an empty space in our souls that used to be filled by their cheesy bacon fries. Clifton will never be the same again. Skyline’s Chili Cheese Fries will do…
Nothing really sets the shopping experience quite like feeling like you’re going to get shanked as you pull into the parking lot. Don’t worry, though. The city of Cincinnati caught on, so now there’s a full-time patrol.
17. Limited Swipes
What happened to the days when there were free meals for all? This is the worst thing to happen to UC since Papa Dino’s left us. At least we can still find higher-quality food at Adriatico’s.
18. Where Have You Gone, Greg Hand?
Nothing against the new guy, but the daily reports of robberies, shootings, and perverts around campus just haven’t been the same without you. You were our source of stereotypical descriptions for each suspect. Come back!