1. We REALLY Like Silly Hats
Who HASN’T agonized over an over-sized sunhat with a hot glue gun and some toy horses on the night before Derby?
2. We Can Walk Between Worlds
Sure, we clean up well and KNOW how to use proper grammar and speak with a non-regional dialect, but we’re also not too good to drink brown liquor, barefooted, on the front porch in the middle of the day, y’all.
3. We’re A Blue City in a Red State
Certain things don’t really shock or surprise us like they may the rest of the world – like the headline “Man Forced to Eat Beard.”…and?
4. The Enigma of Watterson Trail
Watterson Trail seems to arbitrarily begin and end at random points throughout the city. It’s like a wormhole. We’re in Middletown – wait, how did we end up in Shively?
5. We’ve Understood Horse Racing Odds Since The Womb
…just kidding, we pick the horse with the coolest name. How do you people understand this stuff?
6. We Still Get Lost In The Highlands Sometimes
Even if you’re a Louisville lifer, somehow it’s easy to underestimate exactly how far of a distance something is down Bardstown Road. “I always think I know where I’m going on Bardstown Road and then I’m like, ‘shit, I just passed 17 Heine Brothers.’”
7. We Have To Constantly Explain to Outsiders That Louisville ISN’T “Kentucky”
Case in point:
8. …but If Anyone Else Tries To Pick On The Rest Of Kentucky, We Aren’t Having It
It’s like the sibling you like to give a hard time but will open a can of whoopass on anyone else who tries to hassle them. Nobody gets to pick on my little Kentucky but ME!
9. Derby: The Mardi Gras of Kentucky
You mean the rest of the world doesn’t shut down for the first Saturday in May?
10. We Have Trust Issues About Bridges
It will be completed by the deadline? More like deadLIE, amirite?
11. We Feel More Pride About My Old Kentucky Home than The National Anthem
…are we supposed to say that out loud?
12. Legitimate Fear of The Pope Lick Goat Man
If there’s anything more terrifying than a half-goat, half-man living under a train trestle luring unsuspecting victims to their deaths, we’ve yet to hear about it.
13. We Survived The Earthquake of 2008
“I thought that my cat had run up against the window and that there was a cat outside,” said Mayor Jerry Abramson.
14. …and The Wind Storm of 2008
15. …and The Ice Storm of 2009
16. …and The Flash Flood of 2009
17. …and The Flash Flood of 2013
18. We Believe 12 A.M. Is A Perfectly Reasonable Time to Hit The Town
Why are all you squares getting to the bar at 9:00? How do you expect to make it til a 4:00 A.M. bar close?
19. We Still Miss Ear-X-Tacy
…and to add insult to injury, it’s a corporate chain store now. If only they could’ve held out another year or two for the hipster revolution.
20. We All Have Pictures of Ourselves Riding One of These Bad Boys
Seriously. We’ve been riding Mark’s Feedstore pigs since we were old enough to crawl.
21. We Still Haven’t Gotten Over That One Horse That Got Put Down At The Derby
Did that really actually happen?