Welcome to the Hall of Shame: Louisville’s Bad Decision Bars

 

We use the term endearingly. Sometimes, you don’t want to get dressed up. Sometimes, you just want to get loaded on a weeknight. Dry shampoo your hair, sniff test your favorite sweat pants, slip on your flip-flops and prepare to vanquish sobriety. LET’S GET READY TO STUMBLEEE!!!

Baxter’s

Wednesday nights are $1 well nights. Double-fisting is the only option. On these nights there is a live band to play live karaoke tracks so you can forget the words to 90s songs in front of most of your graduating class from high school. Don’t worry, none of you will remember it in the morning – much like the brawl that is bound to happen in the alleyway.

PROTIP: Don’t actually wear flip flops to this one in case you find a puddle of vomit before the staff does. That’s a mistake you only make once.

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Mag Bar

Cigarette vending machines, bingo, Wii bowling tournaments, local musicians, arcade games and $1 PBRs. What more could you ask for from your friendly neighborhood dive? Girls dancing on the bar and shirtless men come summertime, perhaps? You got it. Just remember that the girls making out at the bar are probably actually dating. Keep it in your pants, boys.

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The Back Door

The dive bar for the sophisticate – a gateway dive, if you will. Nightly drink specials will generally afford $2.75 you-call-its. It has the ambiance of a cozy hole-in-the-wall but with a general absence of crazies. However, the strong pours and cheap drinks will allow you to get well on your way to beginning your own chapter of The Hangover. If you feel yourself starting to lose momentum and thinking crazy things like, “Maybe I HAVE had enough to drink,” eat a mountain of their nachos (the best) and get back in the game.

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Cahoots. Step into the 1990s Grunge Era.

Here you will find all of the crazies that weren’t at the Back Door. If you feel like you can throw yourself into the fray and don’t mind some guy you’ve never met asking you to buy him a drink, you’ll get the most bang for your buck at Cahoots. $2 wells on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday – note that a $2 well at Cahoots could easily be a $6-$10 drink anywhere else. The price was recently raised from $1.50, presumably in an attempt to keep out the vagrants, but fear not – you will still undoubtedly be immersed in a sea of humanity. Also, the juke box is always cranked up to 11, so your evening will progress to Slayer or whatever else you choose as the soundtrack to your descent into oblivion.

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The Golden Nugget

“I always stop by the Nugget on the way home from drinking, like ‘guessI’mgonnagogitmoredrunk!’” The Nugget is one of the best-kept secrets of Louisville. Cheap drinks, strong pours, good times, friendly bartenders, beer pong tournaments, cement floors and alt-rock cover bands – get rowdy, tell a stranger you love them. It’s the Back Door of Hikes Point.

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Joe’s Older Than Dirt

You’ll know it by the antler-less moose standing out front. If you like gambling with the odds that you’ll go home with a woman twice your age, this is the place for you. The ambiance hearkens to an old western saloon with the DJ from your middle school gymnasium dance – the true sign of a good time.

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Old Diamonds

This place is full of mysteries – like, “Who is shredding all of the toilet paper to make the girl’s bathroom end up looking like a hamster cage at the end of every night?” or, “How am I here for the 8th night this week?” Everyone in Louisville ends up at Diamonds eventually, whether they like it or not. Drinks are cheap and the music is loud enough to drown out your better sense and good judgment. If you’re lucky, you’ll wake up with the screen on your phone smashed and slathered in banshee sauce from their delicious wings.

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Nowhere Bar

Relatively new on the scene in Louisville, Nowhere Bar came in like a wrecking ball. It’s Louisville’s favorite not-really-gay-bar. Everyone is welcome to come get weird, but you must be prepared for your Flashdance-like debut on the dance floor. This is the type of place where dancing on the table isn’t just permitted – it’s damn near encouraged. Let your hair down, get white-girl wasted and dance the night away in a fashion you only truly can to chest-shaking electronic dance music. Be prepared to wake up in the morning and ask yourself, “Did I really flirt with that foxy male bartender last night?”

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Phoenix Hill Tavern

Difficulty level: labyrinth. For a place that is a never-ending maze of corridors and stairs, it is bold to serve jumbo margaritas and LITs – but they do – will you accept the challenge? You’ll feel like you’re discovering the New World every time you stumble upon a new bar, karaoke lounge, band, or, if you’re lucky – the roof garden. If you reach the roof garden, you’ve won. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Don’t get sidetracked by dancing in a cage, some guy with a chin strap calling you “baby girl” or telling your life story to the bathroom attendant, though. Keep your eyes on the prize. To the roof!

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