1. Keep It Simple
Okay, the baristas will understand if you’re lactose intolerant or vegan, but how about you don’t go up to the counter and ask for something like this:
The Asshole Latte
Mix the sugar in while steaming milk
Add cocoa and caramel garnish…
You get the idea.
2. Know What You Want
Everyone behind you really loves when you go up to the counter and ask a million different questions about the drinks. Sorry, but a caramel latte is going to taste pretty much the same, regardless of wherever you get it.
3. Don’t Cut The Line
We get it, you’re in a rush. It’s 7AM, and everyone else needs to get to work too. If you’re in too much of a rush to forget common courtesy, you should probably just buy a damn Keurig and make your own.
4. Enough Sugar, Already!
Your drink was probably sweet enough after the first half of the sugar bin was emptied out. You could leave some for the rest of us… or not, that’s cool too. The joke’s on them, because their last gulp of coffee will be straight grains of sugar.
5. Coffee Snobbery Not Required
Stop asking if the coffee is 100% fair-trade, organic, and artisan roasted. Chances are, even if the box says so, it wasn’t. Get over it, and stop being a snob, because good coffee is good coffee, regardless of where it’s from.
6. The Struggling Novelist
We’ve seen you in the same spot every day for the last year, pretending to be writing the greatest novel ever to be beheld by mankind. Chances are that you’re just taking up space, scrolling through Facebook. Go write in the library.
7. The Book Clubbers
You do realize that you didn’t have to steal every table in the coffee shop to have your book discussion, correct? No? Okay, that’s cool too.
8. Stuck Up About Starbucks
This is not to knock Starbucks, but must you always come in talking about how they’re “better,” and you just stop here for convenience. Take your business to Starbucks, then!
9. That Barista…
It’s 5AM, and you know she doesn’t want you to be here, because she doesn’t either. She looks at you with a scowl, and sends you away with hopeful eyes, praying that you never return to bother her this early.
10. The Calorie Counter
They’ll spend the next five minutes at the counter asking to see the syrup bottles and making sure that it’s skim milk going in there. “Can that be made skinny?” Yes. Everything can be made with reduced calories.
11. That’s Not Your Drink…
Just because the order sounded kind of like yours, doesn’t mean you should grab it. You’d think this doesn’t happen often, but it does.
12. Don’t Miss Your Mouth
Look, you’re eating crumbly baked goods. Chances are, they’re going to fall apart as you eat them. Just don’t leave your crumbles on the table. It’s not hard to scoop them into a napkin.
13. Sprawled Out Students
We see you have your backpack on one table, books on another, and your laptop on the one in front of you. Looks efficient.
14. That Poor, Poor Woman…
We feel bad for you, soccer mom with five kids, but please take their orders and leave them in the car with dad. We know you need the caffeine.
15. Gossip Central
So, you’re a housewife that has nothing better to do than talk sh*t about what your neighbors are doing. Just don’t spread everyone’s dirty laundry all over the coffee shop.
16. Winos In The House
You’re getting way too drunk from that wine, ma’m. You do realize we have coffee and water here too, right?
17. Startup Kids
Yeah… we couldn’t afford an office of our own for the time being. We’re gonna bum on your wifi. Hope you like slow internet.
18. The Coffee Intagramer
Look, if you’re going to take a picture of your beautiful piece of latte art, at least wait until you’re out of the way to do it. We have places to go.